What 15 Years Has Taught Me About Love

 

I didn't wear a badge declaring myself 'Love Expert' when I got married in 2008 to the beautiful, intelligent, and majestic Emily, but I thought I'd largely figured out the important parts. I was blessed with two parents who adored and loved each other and were best friends. I also was well aware their marriage was far from perfect, but despite spring cleanings that chucked out childhood heirlooms and a decade of missing the laundry hamper, they continued to help each other grow and their marriage became more magical with each passing year.

It is very different to be an observer of a loving marriage than to be a participant. I was completely oblivious to the levels of love that can be experienced in a marriage. There was nothing that could prepare me for the emotion that swept deep into my heart the first time I held Everett in my arms, and I realized I was now a dad who would swear to protect, nurture, and love him. I probably shouldn't have been surprised when new emotions filled my body when I discovered my second child, Danika, was a girl. Though it isn't at the same level, my pets (Mitten, Piper, Frio) have created another level of deep love for them as our family has grown over the years. As my love expands with each family member, it strengthens for the person who I started the family with. 

The family is just one of countless things that have evolved and changed over my life. I've learned that life is a journey that isn't about a destination, but rather about constantly growing, learning, and improving. Life is about willing to treat each day as a chance to be refined, molded, and shaped into something better.

Back in 2008 while I sweated away in that suit on an especially humid June, I didn't quite grasp that love is similar to life. It is a journey. There isn't a set destination. A couple doesn't suddenly majestically soar into bliss where Skittles shower down and hearts float between the couple in a land of utopian love. 

I knew love would take work, but I didn't quite realize it had seasons. You have that moment where you deeply, outwardly love your partner where you go on dates and eagerly look forward to when they come home. Those moments can just as quickly change to a period where your partner is driving you crazy or they've deeply upset you. Or there are times when they suddenly seem more like casual roommates than anything resembling a lover. 

Love is like British Columbia with steep mountains but also valleys, and those moments climb up and down your life. The thing that I didn't realize back in 2008 is that love isn't defined by those moments, but rather love is the dedication and commitment to do what must be done to hike back up to those peaks.

This is where I confess my marriage is in a valley. As some readers may know, my career took a pretty staggering karate kick during Covid, and I didn't pivot so well, which means it is still crumpled in a corner. This has meant I have been desperately focusing on trying to get it back on track for the past several months, and the lack of success has meant my self-worth has plummeted into the abyss and depression has been tap dancing all over my soul.

It has meant that I haven't been in the running for the most stellar husband trophy, and at times, lacking a bit as a great dad too. It has been so long since we last had a date that it is about time to declare them extinct. While I may cook dinner and work a washing machine, I haven't provided what Emily desires the most, which is quality time filled with love.

15 years of marriage has taught me that love means that despite failing now that I'm ready to strap on the metaphorical backpack and crampons to haul my marriage back to the highest summit. Love means you recognize the tough periods, but promise you'll work hard to get back to the golden times. Love means you recognize your shortcomings, but also know you can change and be more than your current state. You want to do that because the love for your partner is still there.

After 15 years, I deeply love Emily. It is a love that will kick my butt to strive for a magnificent marriage that continues to pour out amazing memories. 15 years have already given us many treasures. I may have been a reluctant adventurer but I'm grateful for exploring both the west and east coast. I'm grateful for the constant sacrifice and devotion to things like making our kids' special costumes or spending time guiding them to be the best in cello or musical theatre. We have had some great trips, but some of the best moments have just been when we make each other laugh or delve into discussions about education or the best ways to make a more empathetic and loving world.

My marriage has been a gift that has constantly delivered the very best things in my life like my family of two incredible kids and three adorable pets (and RIP Summit and Crosby). The greatest gift has been sharing these moments and victories with Emily.

Happy 15th wedding anniversary, Emily. I love you deeply, and I plan on having many more decades to keep proving it.