An Odd and Ill-Advised (And Completely Fictional) Conversation Between a Hopeful Novelist and Their 'Literary Agent'

'Good afternoon! How can I help you today?'

'Oh boy! I am actually going to help you on this fine day!'

'Um. . . sorry?'

'Obviously, helping you will also be helping me. This is the golden road, my friend?'

'Oh.'

'I get it. You have lost your words because you're so excited. You're so excited to learn that this stack of papers in my hand is the manuscript to what will be the best-selling book of all time!'

'That is the Bible?'

'Oh no! This is my award-winning, millions-raking-in, sure to land the biggest movie deal, Netflix is going to be begging for the rights novel. I'm here to give you the chance to be my agent, and become a millionaire with this one deal.'

'Um. . . '

'You're awestruck about how this is about to change your life, I see.'

'No. Um. Do you know that you're in the line for a McDonald's? My job is to take your order, and serve fries and burgers.'

'That is because you're not thinking big enough.'

'No. That is because it is the job that I was hired to do.'

'But what if it wasn't. What if you landed the biggest book deal known to humankind?'

'Do you plan to order something? The line is growing, and we're really busy during lunch.'

'I plan to order us up our dreams with this billion-dollar book destined to be adapted into the most successful movie, TV series, and video game of all time.'

'So, you're not going to order food?'

'Of ALL-TIME!'

'Most of these sheets of paper don't even have words on them, but are what I assume were the drawings of your 2-year-old child? And this isn't even paper, but rather a Fruit Roll-Up.'

'You're being confined by traditional interpretations of a manuscript. You need to think bigger. You need to grasp the vision.'

'So, this Fruit Roll-Up is part of your novel?'

'Look! What is the one thing lacking from modern books?'

'A children's snack?'

'INNOVATION! We have been stuck in the same idea of what is a book for centuries. But right here, this is the future!'

'You know that graphic novels and picture books exist, right? The more pictures than words approach is not the landmark moment that you think.'

'But no traditionally published book has ever had these drawings!'

'I'm not sure exactly what has been drawn here. And this piece of paper does have writing, but it looks to be a receipt to a 7/11.'

'INNOVATION!'

'And this page also has lots of actual words, but appears to have been torn out of a copy of Stephen King's Salem's Lot.'

'INNO. . ."

'Um, you yelling 'innovation' over and over doesn't make it a book. And it also is making that poor kid behind you cry. Could you please stop doing that?'

'Alright, but I really need you to realize what this will do for our lives. It will change it forever.'

'This conversation has already changed me forever. I think I have leverage for a raise now.'

'When you say raise, you mean rising up the ranks of the most legendary literary agents.'

'No. I mean I don't get paid enough to endure these encounters. So, are you planning to order something?'

'I'm ordering up a heaping mountain of wealth and success for us both with the most important novel of all time!'

'Yeah, you already did that spiel. I mean, food. Do you want the food that is served here at McDonald's?'

'Oh, we can order all the food we want and eat like royalty once the big novel deal is signed.'

'Ugh. So, is that a no?'

'No to failure!'

'No. Is it a 'no' to making a food order. Because if it is, you really need to get out of line and allow the others to order their food.'

'Are you going to continue to confine yourself to what is supposed to be done when INNOVATION is about to bring you to a whole new world?'

"Did you just watch Aladdin?'

'Maybe.'

'You keep arguing against tradition, yet you are trying to convince me to be a literary agent, so you can land a book deal with a major traditional publisher. Do you see the irony?'

'No, I wear a sweatsuit, so I don't need to worry about creases and wrinkles.'

'And what exactly is this global best-selling novel about, anyway? This seems to just be a page full of dancing hotdogs?'

'As you'll discover when you read it, the story is a sweeping fantasy set in another world about a young plucky farm boy who joins a rebellion force set to battle against an evil empire.'

'So, Star Wars.'

'Does Star Wars have dancing hotdogs?'

'So, those are supposed to be dancing hot dogs?'

'No. But I was pretty hungry while writing my epic.'

'You mean, pretty hungry while doodling on pieces of paper.'

'Once again, you are being confined by traditional notions of what 'writing' should be or what is really a book.'

''Is this a shirt sleeve stuffed in this stack of papers?'

'That contains one of the most crucial plot twists.'

'What is that?'

'Well, who expects an actual shirt sleeve in their fantasy adventure novel?'

'What is this dark splotch on one of your pages supposed to represent?'

'Oh, I just spilled ketchup on that because drawing all my rebels made me crave a hot dog.'

'Oh look! I'm due for a break. You can drive someone else nuts now.'

'Wait!'

'Let me guess, more innovation?'

'No, before you go, can I get a Big Mac?'