Sight Unseen: An Ignorant Plot Synopsis of Barbarian

 DISCLAIMER: I have not seen the film.  This synopsis is merely my best guess, based off of the trailer and my flabbergasted intellect.

Tess is taking a rainy day holiday to a house that she rented or something.  She wants to get into the house, because of the rainy part of her rainy day holiday making her shoes and maps soaked.  Nobody likes soaked shoes, and soaked maps can mean that the X runs and no longer properly marks the spot.

Thankfully there is a clean shaven Pennywise who is renting the house and invites her in.  'Please, spend the night with me," the Pennywise says.  Dude is so board since he got kicked out of the sewers of Derry, and this house in a bad and wet neighbourhood is all he could afford.  The wet doesn't irk him on account of living in a sewer for so many years.  The neighbours don't mow their lawns regularly, and that right pisses him off.  Oh well, you take what you can get sometimes.

Tess takes the bedroom because Pennywise has a chivalric side when it comes to soaking wet strangers.  She takes a photo of his driver's license because it would go well on her 'creeper wall.'  The bed is comfortable and a lot dryer than her shoes.  It's going to be a good night.

However, her darned sleepfulness is startled when a horror sound effect runs loudly down the hall.  Curious as to what is going on, Tess investigates the scary basement only to find a door that either leads to either an escape room or a horror room.  It may even lead to a Parasite room, which interests her a lot less than the idea of finding an escape room.

The maps in her possession were actually lifted from a Christopher Columbus themed escape room that she tried to solve on her own.  It didn't go well, and out of fury she decided that she would take some of the clues.  Perhaps, she reasons, these maps will actually help her out in the scary basement possible escape room.  Tess quickly runs back to her room to grab the maps before descending into the stupid darkness.

As she explores, she decides that her name is now Dora, and she has to make sure Swiper stops swiping.  The best way to do that is with the rusty edge of her blade that she keeps tucked in her belt.  Tess also realizes that the ihead of a Swiper may look good mounted on her creeper wall.  This is getting super dark super quickly.

She finds the clean-shaven Pennywise who is not having a good night at all.  It's kind of surprising, because the dark and dirty halls she is exploring would feel familiar to a demonic child tormenting clown who favoured a life of luxury beneath the pipes.

Moving through the death corridors, she never finds an escape room.  The last thing Dora wanted was to be disappointed, and now she's standing knee deep in a rotting pile of dismay.  Someone pops in a VHS tape of a Samara, but that doesn't help the saddened Dora.  This holiday was a bad idea, and she's not going to leave a positive comment online about her experience.