Sight Unseen: An Ignorant Plot Synopsis of Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

 DISCLAIMER: I have not seen the film.  This synopsis is merely my best guess, based off of the trailer and my flabbergasted intellect.

 The year is whatever, and running around are a bunch of hormonic abominations of nature who have learned martial arts and are lousy with salmonella, so all dudes who high five them need to wash their hands immediately afterwards.  Cross contamination is a thing, kids.  A life of health starts with your hands and keeping them clean.

These adolescents are doing their job, and doing it well.  They chase down nasty villains from the UK and stomp all over their plans.  Being a ninja turtle isn't easy work, as evolution has baked into their DNA that they need to hide into their shells during fight battles.  Resisting these evolutionary forces is totally hard, but the four of them kind of rock at what they do.

Stuff is thrown all upside down, don't you know, when a man from the future is sent into the present to stop a stupid outcome.  Kyle Reese Casey Jones was sent to the present by an Octogenarian Ninja Turtles to make sure this nonsense never happens.  

Casey Jones is the man for the job because he's all kick ass and will be able to use his hockey mask in many scenarios.  It wouldn't have made sense to send back an Octogenarian Ninja Turtle who had a wealth of knowledge on the topic, because those guys don't have hockey masks.  Even though it would have made more sense to do this from a logic standpoint of being able to convince the Teenage Mutant Ninjer Turtles of the threat, none of them Ninjer Turtles have hockey masks, and they don't sit well on their stupid turtle faces.

The problem is that some sort of Krang is going to be arriving and trying to turn Earth into a Krang Earth. House prices would collapse under such a thing, and S&P Global would be downgrading ratings at rate similar to a circus clown handing out his phone number.  Once those prices drop, it's only a matter of time before people rush the grocery stores to hoard purchase iceberg lettuce.  It is quickly evident that humanity will be short of salads, and only the Teenage Mutant Ninjer Turtles can stop this.  Sure, there will still be potato salad, but if you don't have a solid recipe it can be downright off-putting.

Krang arrives and is suffering from the inter-dimensional equivalent of jet lag.  Dude is normally a jerk, but now he is an exhausted and overly sensitive jerk.  This challenge will test all of the abilities of the turtles and their friends.  Thankfully, April O'Neil works for local public access television and is able to make a poorly shot and edited story for an audience of some people who don't ever actually admit to watching local cable television.

She leaves out the crucial fact that anyone who high fives the turtles will really want to wash or sanitize their hands afterwards.  This may seem like minor detail, but once the Teenage Mutant Ninjer Turtles are victorious, folk on the street can't help my saying, "My man!" and going up high and not leaving them hanging.  The planet has been saved, but now there's a darned salmonella outbreak that could have easily been avoided.  

Also, parents need to remember that these ninjers are mutated Blanding's Turtles.  That means they have a carnivorous diet.  That cute baby of your in that stroller looks a lot different to them, especially if they smell like delicious and mouth watering talc.