Sight Unseen: An Ignorant Plot Synopsis of Where the Crawdads Sing

 DISCLAIMER: I have not seen the film.  This synopsis is merely my best guess, based off of the trailer and my flabbergasted intellect. Look how compelling that picture above is.

 Some old fart talks to a courthouse about a fable of the woods.  There's this woman, you see, who has done lived in yonder swamp since being a kid.  She was raised by clams and taught how to survive by crawdads.  She's kind o' pretty, or whatever.  Growing up she walked into a store and mumbled something about muscles, a very impassioned mumbling at that.

There's this local boy who is enchanted with swamp girl.  He decides to spend some time with her so they can eventually neck.  She's all down on herself and says, "Sometimes I feel so invisible, I wonder if I'm here at all."  Harnessing the powers of George Lucas levels of romantic speak, he says, "You are."  Dude is totally poetic.

They hang out and some of his local juke box boyz think he's a fool for it.  There's a push altercation, but nobody gets physically hurt.  Emotionally, though, these scars from the pushing will never heal.  The police then have to intervene when the pushing escalates to a falling, and now there is a murder to solve.

The old fart returns to the courthouse to get to the bottom of all of this, and decides that the crawdad girl must be the killer.  Taylor Swift writes some intro music for swamp girl, but it's kind of a waste because she's no good on the mic.  Her charisma sucks, but she can still somehow work a crowd.

The police start interviewing folk of the swamp and find out that swamp girl is stupid and emotionally stunted.  Clams and crawdads, while being able to teach survival basics, were never good at teaching her how to control her feelings.  She misses the days of her Romeo saying all of his romanic words and that time they swam together where the crawdads sing.

There's a lot of judgement from those living in the local town, and swamp girl doesn't know what to do.  Wearing a pretty dress, she decides to try spinning.  That's a good trick.

The jury isn't impressed with her attempts to woo them, and sentence her to murder.  The problem is that the crawdads will stop singing if she dies.  In most places, this ecological impact would be enough to want to steer clear of, but these crawdads don't understand the ins and outs of harmonizing, especially in thirds and sixths.  This is a chance to shut them right up and literally kill two stupid birds with one stone.  There is much rejoicing.