REVIEW: Jurassic Island

 Note: The image in this movie poster does not happen in the film, nor are those two people in it.  Also, at no point is anyone’s mission ‘to contain and destroy’

 Well, what happens when a Scott is feverish, stuck in bed and bored?  Well, such a Scott makes unexplainable decisions such as watching Jurassic Island.  There's not a lot I can tell you about the production of this movie, as there isn't even a Wikipedia page for it.  I can, however, pass along that it effectively employs cutting edge visual effect technology from somewhere around 1997.

There is this island, you see.  And on this island are some dinosaurs that nobody seems particularly worried about.  While trying to find where her father and stepmother have gone, Diane (Sarah T Cohen) brings friends and other tagalongs on a journey to a mysterious uncharted island.  This island is so uncharted and mysterious that the secret map they find of it looks incredibly 'Rand McNally,' complete with what looks like provincial borders, roads, towns and all that such.  I think they didn't expect people to really scrutinize this map.  Or they just didn't care.

 Note: Not a single person in this image is actually in the movie

Diane has been away at war.  She war fights.  Returning home, she cannot find her father or his dumb wife.  However, on his computer there is a video message he has left for Diane.  He says that they found where this island is, an island where her grandfather never returned from.  Her father states that they have gone and will be back four weeks before she will return from fighting war.  See you soon, he says.  So, he left an expository message for his daughter saying that they will be home four weeks before she arrives.  Have you ever left a note for someone saying that you will be back before them?  Huh?

Note: I don't even know what the heck is going on in this poster

Well, Diane gets her friend, boyfriend, some professor fella and a sailor to take them to this island.  After arriving at the island, which seems to almost be in visual distance of the United Kingdom, they start exploring and come across a triceratops.  Huh, that's cool.  That's about the extent of their reaction.  They then find what they realize are Tyrannosaurus rex footprints.  Huh, look at that.  After realizing that dinosaurs are alive and on the island, including incredibly dangerous ones, they don't seem to care.

Note: There are no vehicles on Jurassic Island.  Nor are any of these people in the movie

Eventually they find the 'base camp' of her father's expedition of eight people.  This consists of a single two-person tent and that's about it.  And then they find zombies.  Wow, this must mean it's time to leave the island.  Huh, that's different... zombies.  There isn't any real need to rush to safety.  Let's stay the night, they decide.  We will leave in the morning.

I think the purpose of including zombies on this island is so there can be an antagonist that's a lot less costly to create than poorly CGI dinosaurs, or as it is stated on the IMDb page, "extinct animals."  They even have it in quotes, almost as though they themselves are ashamed of trying to describe them as dinosaurs.  Anywho, all that's needed to create these zombies is a bit of white makeup, and a bit of black makeup.  The result is 'zombies' that look like a grade three production of a KISS musical.

 Note: This person is not in Jurassic Island.  There are rocks in Jurassic Island, but sadly not these incredible looking ones.  Nor are there any palm trees or volcanoes.

When the dinosaurs appear, this movie is well worth the time due to how sad they look.  This is a level of horrible that I have not seen in over a decade.  I got a great kick out of them, and this was fun.  But, because budget, there isn't much of them, hence the need for zombies.  There is enough crazy in this movie to occupy the time, but not enough to recommend it to those who enjoy movies so bad they are good.  Perhaps if you have an arsenal of beers at the ready, you may make it through the short run-time and forget about it the next day.

Rating - 1 out of 4 stars

 Note: The image in this movie poster does not happen in the film, nor are those three people in it