The Bird Crap on the Window

I've written about positive thinking and believing in your dreams a few times over this past year. It is something that is worth writing about often during a time where many of us are feeling constantly beat down with the news and being stuck at home for the majority of the past year. As I've dug deep and immersed myself with positive thinking and being grounded by a more optimistic mindset, I have had a better handle on my anxiety and depression this year or at least when I put it up against the type of year every single person has had to endure.

I've been able to dwell on the positive things that have come from this year like my kids teaching me to overcome fears by learning to ride their bikes, appreciate the extra time I've had to bond with my kids and getting perspective on things that I didn't appreciate until they've been removed like a big loud extended family dinner.

One aspect that has continued to be challenging is really believing that my dreams are just there to be taken. On a good day I am confident and have the energy to work hard towards my goals. But if I really sit and ask myself if I think this site can draw millions of readers, or if I have a bestselling novel in me or if my writing is what will allow me to achieve financial goals then often I feel flat or overwhelmed.

I look at my desire to be a significant financial provider then the anxiety charges in because there is an embedded part of me that is still focused on me being inadequate. My programming still rejects the notion that I have a novel or website or podcast or writing that is successful enough where I can make a six figure income from it. 

When I get frustrated over my start and stop approach to this site or not sending out a manuscript to an agent or doing a full-force marketing campaign for the podcast, I need to recognize the roadblock is that even with a year of immersing into positive thinking that their is a very real part of me that is either terrified of a successful and abundant writing career or just doesn't feel that I am worthy of it.

There is a several decade smear all over my window to my future and dreams.

I need to grab the Windex and start intensely rubbing it away. It is blurring my vision and making me believe untruths.

You can't achieve your dreams if you don't have the motivation, energy and confidence to put in the work to grasp and realize them. 

Even though I've written about the dark voices and self-doubt for years, it wasn't really until this morning when I tried brainstorming and meditating on where I want to be this year that I was attacked by the crippling feeling that my reality can't ever be aligned with my desires and ambitions.

I have recognized that this insecurity and doubt goes all the way back to when I was a kid when I believed that I was stupid and not able to reach the success of my peers and friends. It has been a rotting garbage bag that I've carried along with me my entire life.

You know what else I carried around for most of my childhood? Notebooks. Where I wrote stories and poems and articles and essays and journals. I have written my entire life. It has been my life blood. It has been my soul. 

Sometimes I question if I'm a hack and if I actually have a talent for it. But then I realize that my writing has been as common is my life as breathing and eating. It is something I must do.

I've also always cared deeply about people. I want to give back. I want to enrich and lift up others. I want to use my own struggles with mental health to encourage and support. 

I realized that I want to be a success so that I can pave a path for others that struggle like me to find success and peace and hope and joy/

The gift and ability that I have is the writing and it is as much a part of as me as my heart and lungs and arms and nose.

When I come to terms with that and realize this fact, I recognize that I will scrub off that bird shit and I will clearly see the reality of my dreams.

I hope together that we can all reach that clarity.