Crushed

I've confessed that I struggle with anxiety and depression on this site before, but I don't know if I've ever shared how bad it has been at certain points in my life.

There have been days that a dirty sink, needing to make a doctor's appointment and folding the laundry feels like I'd just been asked to slay the Kraken and bring his head back to Zeus who then asked me to wrestle Godzilla. My tasks should take a small part of the day and I feel like crawling into a corner and rock myself asleep due to the challenge of facing them.

Even though the idea of picking up a phone can crush me like a grape, I am also constantly hounded by ambitious plans.

I want to publish novels.

I want to run a successful pop culture site.

I want to be a critic who is part of a recognized association.

I want to grow the podcast into a recognizable name in film criticism.

I want to publish articles in major magazines.

I want to have a newsletter.

I want a popular video show.

There are a lot of things. The plans for my site alone are very ambitious including the number of reviews that I aspire to write along with all the other articles. My ideal place would be making a good living off this site where I publish four or five things a day.

Yet, every small things pound me into a fine paste that can then be spread on a toasted bagel.

Not every day.

This year with positive thinking exercises, I am getting much better.

But I recognize that sense of being overwhelmed and the constant heckling of inner self-doubt is what has stopped me from achieving so many of my goals.

There are many days where I feel I am expecting too much from myself and I don't have the proven track record to pull off my goals and dreams.

Then I get crushed.

Then I go into hiding.

But I'm starting to realize that inner voice is an asshole. 

Even worse, he is the drunk uncle at the Christmas party who doesn't know what the fuck he is talking about.

He is the crazy Facebook conspiracy posts that links to dirt rags you wouldn't even use to wipe you ass.

So, why do I listen to him?

Because I am beaten down with anxiety and depression, and can't even pick up a dirty dish without a sense of panic.

That is why I've decided to be grateful for all the wonderful things in my life and be willing to celebrate my accomplishments.

I want to live in this moment with those that I love.

My dreams are mine and just waiting for me to pick them.

I can do this.

Hell.

We can all do this.