10 Helpful Tips for Telemarketers and Door to Door Salespeople to Avoid Making Me Want to Stick a Hot Poker up Your Ass

I've totally had the backs of salespeople and customer service folks in the past on this blog.  I've had jobs in retail and customer service, and so I know what it is like to put up with self centered customers.  I know that customers aren't always right, or more importantly, do things that aren't right.  Since I've been there, I try to be as respectful as possible as a customer.  And I realize that should also include telemarketers and door to door salespeople.  I know they're just doing a job, and people need work to provide for their family.  I really should avoid being an ass when someone is just doing their job, especially when they likely know they have one of the most despised jobs in the world.

But sometimes my dear telemarketers and door to door salespeople, you make it really hard for me to not want to heat up the old poker and aim for your ass.  But we can have a good relationship.  I know we can.  In order to ensure that all your rectums are free from burn marks, here are 10 tips for being a good telemarketer or door to door salesperson.

1.  Please note that "I'm sorry but I'm really busy right now" shouldn't be translated to mean, "By all means ignore everything I'm saying and continue to incessantly pitch your product to me."

2.  I love to talk about my dog or sports or movies or my family life or hobbies with friends.  I don't love someone trying to disguise themselves as a my friend by asking me about all these things when I really know all they want to do is show how much their vacuum can suck.

3.  When someone says, "Sorry, I'm not interested," then you now have two options.  You can either thank them for their time and move on to the next sucker, or you can guilt trip them by telling them what an awful person they are for not realizing the value of this product.  It depends on if you want to find out how short the person's temper is.

4.  If you promise free samples if someone listens to your 20 minute spiel, then it is usually kind of nice to actually give a free sample.  A free sample is not, "You have to purchase this product, but we totally will give your money back if you're dissatisfied."  That is called customer service.

5.  If you do promise your spiel about meat or baby pictures or dancing llamas to only be 20 minutes, then it's usually not the best way to win over a potential customer by going 40 minutes.  Especially if they continually ask you to "please hurry this up", but you insist on repeating how great a deal everything is and how half your clients are NHL hockey players.

6.  If someone hangs up on you because you decided to keep on ignoring their, "I really need to go" pleas, then you probably shouldn't expect an invitation for milk and cookies if you call right back.

7.  When someone says, "I don't think I'm going to buy this at this time" they usually mean "time" to be a little longer than one day.

8.  If someone wasn't interested in your "Super Swiftly Mud Exploder Plus Coffee Marker" even with the 3 year warranty package, then they'll likely not be swayed if your throw in the free potted plant and nail polish.

9.  I know that your training sessions say that customers love a "personal touch".  This really doesn't mean you need to crack awful jokes and insist on making small talk for five minutes while the person slowly closes the door, then expect that they'd love for you to come in and talk for a half hour about your "Super Electro Thunder Panels".

10. If you call five minutes after the kids were finally put to bed and it is the first chance in the day for some peace, then yes, I may wonder why you're calling at this hour to pitch me an "Organic Black Banana Tomato Garden System."