“Because Who Wants a Real Job?”: 14 Not Entirely Helpful Insights on Being a Freelance Writer

1. When someone asks "Would I have ever read any of your books or articles" and I reply "Well, most of my work is either ad copy or ghost written", I do realize the next thought in their head is "Oh, so he is unemployed then."

2. I'm totally fine with you taking me out for a coffee or beer, as long as you're totally fine with me answering the question, "How do I become a writer?" with "You write."

3. If you aspire to be a freelance writer based off the amount of free time writers in television shows have, then you might be better off applying to a paper company.

4. If you want to make a career out of writing only what you want, then start acquiring a fine taste for Kraft Dinner and living under a tree by your local library.

5. Yes, there is a good chance I'll be home during the week. No, I don't have time to feed and tickle Squiggy the Wonder Hamster.

6. Sadly, it appears real life writers are almost never asked to solve mysteries.

7. If you "don't really read that much" and "never have time to write" then please don't bother asking me how you can make a living as a writer (though, please still pay for my coffee).

8. From personal experience only, being a writer means that constantly there are over 10 different story ideas competing in a battle royal in my head and the war doesn't end until I finally unleash them on 'paper' (more likely to be a computer monitor).

9. If you ever have a teenage daughter, it is likely more imitating to would be boyfriends to find out one of the parents is a cop rather than a writer (if you're not good to her, then I'll totally have you killed in my next novel!).

10. Surprisingly, editors/publishers/clients don't randomly call your house and offer you millions of dollars to write whatever you want and at your convenience.

11. A freelance writer can write print ads, newsletters, radio/television scripts. instruction manuals, web copy, press releases, info packets, sales letters, business plans, school curriculum, brochures, and almost everything you could read (or sometimes even hear) throughout your day. See, we don't all need to be journalists or JK Rowling.

12. Most writers will say, "I know I'll never be the next John Grisham or Stephen King." while secretly thinking, "Man, I want to write the next The Firm or Carrie."

13. It's a job that requires long hours and a whole lot of energy (or coffee) and there is always the constant fear you may not get enough jobs this month to keep the lights on, but it sure beats doing manual labour for a living (though I totally confess, someone doing manual labour may be thinking his/her job sure beats sitting in front of a computer and having to essentially write essays all day).

14. Most writers are exceptionally intelligent and unbelievably handsome, especially the ones that live in Brantford, Ontario (it's weird how it works out that way).