Looking At Itsy Bitsy Spider In A Whole New Way

I found myself sitting here and asking myself, 'Self, why would the Itsy Bitsy Spider be climbing the spout during a rainy day?' We all know the results of the spider on that fateful afternoon, he was washed out of the spout. Now luckily he survived this ordeal, and returned when the sun dried things up. We can assume the spider then went on to have a wonderful time in that waterless spout. But the deeper and more disturbing question is why did he brave the spout under such harsh conditions. Well, I have a theory, which is largely assisted by another age ol' children's rhyme (some may even call it a Nursery Rhyme).

I believe our good friend the itsy bitsy spider was attempting to commite suicide. I know, I know, this is a rather heavy claim to make, but as I previously stated, I feel I have some evidence to support it.

You see, it all started several months before when the spider saw a beautiful young girl. A young girl that he simply wanted to get to know a little better. The spider was the shy sort, and so he took his time. He would see her go over to her tuffet every day, and enjoy a heaping bowl of curds and whey. Each time he would try to talk himself up. so that he could go over and meet her. He wasn't looking to date her or anything incredibly intimate, but just for the chance to get to know her. He eventually asked his friend the spoon (who was rather preoccupied himself with a rather lovely dish)for the name of the girl, which is when he learned she was Little Miss Muffet. Despite the fact she owned one of the oddest first names that wasn't chosen by a celebrity for their child (I'm looking at you Nicholas Cage or Penn Teller or David Duchovny or. . . ah forget it, there is too many of you), the spider decided he would introduce himself and hopefuly, go out for a coffee or fly blood (he'd let her choose).

We all know what really happened. This poor spider who spent weeks and weeks trying to get enough courage to meet this girl, and just wanted to get to know her, was forced to suffer a huge moment of emberassment. How would you feel if you went out of your way to greet someone (maybe even person you had a slight crush on) and they responded by running away and screaming at the top of their lungs? I am not saying that I had the best luck with the ladies in high school, but I can proudly say that my asking them out never led to running and screaming. This poor fellow had to be crushed (not literally though, he got out of the way of her rampaging down the sidewalk).

This had to be a massive blow to his already small ego (I mean, how big of a ego could fit into his one centimetre frame?). It undoubtedly caused him to spiral into massive bouts of depression. Ultimately, he saw the water spout, and a potentially rainy day, as his way to end the pain.

As we all know, the sun was looking out for our itsy bitsy spider. He made sure that water went away. The spider ended up surviving that day. He eventually moved past that depressing and soul crushing day with Little. He then eventually started up his own family, and moved near a factory that dealt with radioactive material (a natural place for spiders). His life was enjoyable and rather uneventful. Well, except for that day when he was mouthed off at by a punk named Peter Parker.